He paced back and forth. He stopped at the window and stared down at the crowd that had gathered in front of the Parliament building. Another protest by leftist clowns, he thought, wanting senseless trivialities like fundamental rights. The rain from the morning had slackened and he spent a moment wishing it would pick up again, imagining a deluge washing away the annoying do-gooders and their calls for a free press and independent courts and all that nonsense.
But that wasn’t the most pressing issue on Viktor the Magnificent’s mind.
For Viktor the Magnificent, the gallant defender of all Hungarians who look like him, the issue of the day was a name. A name for the little rhino he had just adopted, after a “special request” by a local zoo. For Viktor the Magnificent, it was a request he could not refuse. True, the rhino's not an albino, but it’s pale enough to pass as a true Hungarian rhino. And a Hungarian rhino deserves Viktor the Magnificent’s protection. And a name.
“Let’s have a referendum,” Viktor the Magnificent said, still staring out the window.
His assistant, Gergely, looked startled. “On…the rhino?”
“Yes, naming my rhino. This way the people will feel a connection to it, like it is also their rhino. Even though it is not. It is my rhino.”
“Yes, it’s your rhino,” Gergely said. “But maybe a referendum is a bit much? We could just do a social media poll.”
Viktor the Magnificent hadn’t considered this. How modern. “Fine, so ordered. But I like the name Csülök, so make sure that wins.”
“Then couldn’t you just name it that?” Gergely asked. “I mean, the people have a lot of other issues to deal with. Like worrying about all those invading migrants we made up. Speaking of, maybe we should tell them that invasion bit is just one of our inventions? You know, spare a hair or two on their nervous heads?”
“Nonsense, that will help us stay in power. If they notice there aren’t any migrants in the country, we’ll find a new enemy. Like homeless people. And the rhino poll is important – you must make sure the sheep think they are going where they’re going because they want to,” Viktor the Magnificent said. “I love lamb, have I ever told you?”
So it was that Gergely spent the rest of the day creating a social media post. He and Viktor the Magnificent shot a video announcement encouraging people to vote, through emoji, on their favorite name. The poll was announced on Viktor the Magnificent’s personal Facebook page and picked up by the country’s biggest media outlets, drowning out news that the government would be ending home savings subsidies.
Maybe it would also make the foreign media forget the recent criminalization of homelessness in Hungary. The press might move on from the 61-year-old woman who was arrested for sleeping on the street, after losing her home when her partner died.
But Viktor the Magnificent didn't care. He had Csülök, as confirmed by the online poll (no surprise: it was a landslide).
“I love him,” Viktor the Magnificent said on the day the results came in. “My little Csülök.” He had had a pen built for him, complete with hay and a little house, in the corner of his office. The house was beginning to fill with Csülök chunks, but Viktor the Magnificent didn’t mind the smell. It's the smell of love.
Besides, he could just order an expansion of Csülök's house. With a ventilation system.
